Was it worth it?

So this post will be more for my personal thoughts then anything, but please read this if you are depressed/suicidal or know someone who is. This post is about the beginning of new, hard journey for me, and the end of a previous one....

I guess I'll start from the beginning. I met my best friend last year in English. At first we were kinda weary of each other, but then we got to know each other and bonded. We drifted apart after the class ended. Then towards the end of this year we got close again. But she wasn't the same person that I knew. This person was dark, sneaky, kinda slutty, and suicidal. The person I knew was fun, loving, committed, and loved life. It was a major difference, but I didn't want to lose her so I ignored it. But things just kept getting worse. She was sneaking out at night, cheating on her boyfriend, getting drunk, cutting, threatening to commit suicide, etc. I tried talking to her, but why should she listen to me? Yet again, I ignored it so I wouldn't lose her as a friend. Then, one day, her parents found out what she had been doing. She got in big trouble, but she didn't see why she was in trouble. She didn't get what was so bad. Well she was still grounded when the most recent thing happen...

Here we are. Her, me, our two friends. We were at the summer program we do. Well two weeks ago an older guy joined the camp thing. She immediately took interest. He's engaged and over-aged. She didn't care. They started kissing and making out and other such stuff. It was disgusting and shocking for us to watch. The counselors talked to her and tried to get her to stop, but that only made her want to do it more. She wouldn't listen to us. And then yesterday the truth came clear to us. We found out that she was using one of my friend's iPod without her knowing. She drank alcohol at that friend's house. She was texting some not so good stuff to the older guy. She was becoming suicidal again. We were terrified. We didn't know what to do. So last night, one of my friends and I stayed up all night talking about. We finally decided that we would tell someone about it. We couldn't keep watching her do this. She wouldn't listen to us. So we made a plan to tell my friend's mom the next morning, even f it meant losing our friend. She needed help and we couldn't offer it....

So there we were.... At 7:17 a.m. we were standing in the kitchen with my friend's mom. We were nervous and scared, but we told her everything that was going on anyways. We didn't want her to get hurt. We didn't want her to get into more trouble. We had to get her help though. And we did. My friend's mom told her mom what was going on and what had been happening. We got through one obstacle. Now for the biggest moment. We had to face our friend who had no clue what we did yet....

She showed up at 7:30. My other friend was in the shower. She came in and told me she had something in her bag that she wanted to show me. Next thing you know she pulls out a knife and says that she was going to start cutting again. I couldn't do it. She had no idea how much that hurt me. The idea of losing her.... I just... I can't..

A few minutes after she showed up her mom came back to the house. Her mom told her that she knew everything that she had been doing. She came back in and sat down on the couch and wouldn't talk to anyone. It wasn't until it was just her, me, and our other two friends. She snapped and we lost it. She was mad at us for telling, which I get. She said we didn't care and that we just wanted her life to be ruined. Well that was the final straw. It turned into a full out screaming match. Then there was crying. We couldn't take it. It hurt us so much. She has no idea. And now she's mad at us...

Well I guess the point of this whole long blog is: was it worth it? I think it was. I got my friend the help she needed so badly. It was hard for me. It really was. If my friend had just listened to me, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. I don't regret this choice. If I lose her over this, it's really going to hurt, but at least I can say I helped her and I did all I could. For all those people out there who are depressed or suicidal, talk to your friends, take their advice, and move forward. If you don't have a friend, then talk to me. For all those people out there who know someone like this, if they aren't listening to you, say something. If they just need to talk and need reassurance about their life, listen and give it to them.

I'm going to stop writing now because this is way too long, but remember you're not alone and I care about you all. I really do. So until next time, goodbye and good luck. <3

And also, live long and prosper. :)

Choices We Make

The choices we make determine much about our life. Whether it's a new haircut or betraying our friend. Each choice we make affects us or someone else in either a positive or a negative way. I know this from experience. Unfortunately though, many of my choices have been bad.

Recently I've been making the same bad choice over and over. I've been talking to my ex and started dating him again. This guy has made me into a person I'm not proud of. I became so obsessed and dependent on him that I never had time for my friends. My parents helped me realize just how much he was affecting me and I was able to end the relationship. But lo and behold, a few weeks after I broke up with him, I started talking to him again. I fell back into the unrecognizable me. I snuck around and secretly saw him. I made a new texting account on my iPod so I could talk to him. I even made my friends lie for me so my parents wouldn't find out. My parents knew though. They knew because I wasn't being me anymore. I was being the teenager that they had so many problems with. The teenager who made life miserable because she was so obsessed with one guy. Yet again, they helped me through it. I was able to stop talking to him and associating with him for a good 1-2 months. Until about 3 weeks ago.....

I relapsed. I'm going through a rough time right now with my dad and didn't know what to do. So I went back to secretly talking to and dating this guy and ruining myself. Then one night, I snapped. I broke down and took things out on my parents. Then I told my mom everything. I told her that I was dating him and talking to him again. I told her that I needed help. That the only reason I keep going back to this guy is because I don't know what else to do when things are tough for me. She talked to me and encouraged me and retold me for the umpteenth time that I need to stay away from him. I need to find a new focus. I need to just stay away from guys. I need to just live my life and focus on me. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

With the help of my mom and stepdad (along with the help of some friends), I've focused on myself and my life. I'm ignoring guys and loving life. I still have a long way to go and a lot of trust to earn back. It won't be easy, but I can do it. It's better than the alternative that I've been doing.

I guess Einstein was right when he said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. That's what I did. I regret it. I ruined my life and didn't do much to help my parents' life. So remember people out there each choice you make changes something and sometimes everything.

Until next time, live long and prosper.